Once you go black...

Um no, stupid ass. I'm talking about elastic, which helloooo, is the new black. I guess I should be more specific for you perverted fucks and sacrifice any creative license. Once you go ELASTIC, you never go back. There, happy?

Oh, I used to do regular waist pants. I've been around that block more times than I care to count. But then I woke up and realized ::thump:: [brick hitting me in the face] that shit was never going to change. Regular waist pants would always be regular waist pants. And if you think you've somehow found the unicorn of regular waist pants, look again. Surprise ::smash:: [your brick] they are still regular waist pants.

Wake the fuck up. Accept reality, bitches. You can't ifs ands or buts them into anything else.

• If only the waistband had a little give. Um, aka, if only it could... stretch? I don't care how much "give" it has, if it's got a button, a zipper, or any other kind of closing contraption hardware, they are still regular waist pants. And if they don't have those things, then guess what. Yeah, you got it--those bitches are elastic.
• If only I could lose 5 pounds. Yeah, lots of things would be awesome if only you and I and the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD could just lose 5 pounds. But come on, lose that shit for yourself, not for some stinking pants that don't care whether you're coming or going. And fyi, even if you do lose 5 pounds, they will still be regular waist pants, and therefore uncomfortable by their very nature. Thin buys you many things, but not lasting comfort in regular waist pants.
• If only I weren't pre-menstrual. Sure, you and every guy you have ever known wish for that. Sorry to break it to you, but there are only two states of being for women: menstrual and pre-menstrual. There is no non-menstrual. So this "if only" bullshit isn't getting you anywhere. Unless of course you've gone through menopause, in which case you are now a man and you can wear whatever the fuck you want (and welcome to a whole new world, by the way!).
• And and and. And nothing. Stop being such a whore.

Yes, regular waist pants are hot. Check. They are refined. Check check. They are classy. Check check check. They come in all kinds of complex shapes and sizes and styles and cuts that STILL GIVE YOU GAS AND CUT OFF YOUR CIRCULATION CHECKCHECKCHECKFUCKINGCHECK.

It's just not natural. Clothes should allow your body to exist as it truly is, allowing it to move and grow and change, without holding this part in or making you feel like that part is wrong. Clothes shouldn't be telling your body what to do. Noooo that's not right. Your body tells CLOTHES what to do.

You've got to know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. (Thank you, Kenny, I admire the elastic in your face).

The regular waist isn't something you have to conform to or conquer. You win by just walking away. You are good enough for the regular waist. The problem here is: the regular waist isn't good enough for YOU.