You might be a CCB if...

1. You have a cat and the relationship you share is complicated. Roxanna has four cats but only claims to have two, one of which she likes better than the rest and communicates with telepathically. I don’t actually have any cats, but I sometimes lie about having an intention to get one. Plus I leave my Christmas tree up all year, so I’ve pretty much got this one covered because that’s like having six special needs cats.

2. Your hair and weight are of equal concern, are always on your mind, and have a great impact on your self worth. Forever and always.

3. Your dating history exhibits a pattern of romantic involvement with guys who fall into at least two of the following groups: gay guys, fat guys, alcoholics, potheads, professional students, guys who don’t like you, exes, and, ahem, “artists”. If most of your dates have dental insurance, or shit, any kind of insurance, then you probably are not a CCB. I don’t have any dates to begin with, so, yeah.

4. You have cable tv. Lots and lots of cable tv. And internet. Because that is where your life happens.
5. You care about making compassionate food choices, even if you sometimes fail miserably. And you like cake and avocados. Especially compassionately-made cake and locally grown avocados (do they grow those locally?). If you don’t like frosting or if you prefer the frosting:cake ratio to favor cake, then you are not a CCB, you’re just a big fat B. All CCBs know that the best way to save calories is to eat less of the cake part.